I hate porn.
I hate porn on a personal level. No, I wasn’t ever in porn. No, my mother wasn’t in porn (she probably wasn’t. I never asked). No, I wasn’t ever beaten with porn as a child.
My problem with porn is that it takes up so much goddamn space. And I can’t give it away. and I can’t, in good conscience, throw it away. Let’s use bullet points:
- I have a lot of porn at my house. This guy who used to live here was in some way peripherally involved in the porn industry. and he left, and when he left he decided to not take all the freebies that he got in the mail every goddamn day (thank god he changed his address). So it’s here, mostly still unwrapped. I put it in grocery bags because I didn’t know what to do with it, and I couldn’t show the room to potential roommates if it was piled everywhere. Do you know how much space is worth in San Francisco? Oodles. And this crap isn’t paying rent.
- Sure, I gave some away to friends that asked for it, but everyone has ingrained issues, and if I keep pushing it on people I would rapidly become “The Porn Guy”. Not this kid, but thanks. I’m slowly growing kind of embarrassed about having this much porn in the house. It’s like crack- sure, a rock or two sitting around is acceptable- expected, even- but a half-pound bag of crack? You, sir, have a problem.
- I can’t throw it away because I was raised to be frugal- and I know that it’s all worth something. At least if I was giving it away there’d be a sense of gift-giving, and while I can only imagine the garbage man getting down on his knees and thanking the Lord in heaven, it just wouldn’t be the same. And I don’t want to sell it because of, again, the “porn guy” thing.
So it’s just chillin’ in my house. I’d like to trade it away.
I’m going to try to use Web 2.0 science to get rid of them. One-hundred and twenty (120) porno films. Make me an offer. Whoever makes the best offer by the end of August gets all of them. Right now, I don’t really want anything (although I’m not selling them). They’re all hetero, by places like Red Light District, Platinum x (those two places seem to be the lion’s share), Hustler, Kick Ass, PinkVisual, and other places. I recognize Hustler because of the Woody Harrelson flick, and they all promise the same high-level of class. Let’s answer, once and for all, the true value of 120 pornographic DVDs. A burger? An old typewriter? A red paperclip? I mean, look at this- if I stack it all into two piles, it goes up to my countertop! That’s bigger than Jesus! That’s bigger than N’Sync!
If anyone’s interested, the comments page is open, or you can email me: takemypornplease@yahoo.com. I’ll ship anywhere in the country, and I’ll pay for shipping if you’ll do the same in return.
CHEEEEEEESE!!!!
I used to work at a record store with a pretty significant porn section. Whenever new magazines came in, the employees got to keep the old ones, sans cover (which was torn off and sent back to the distributor to prove that the mag wasn’t sold). After about a year of working there, bringing home half a dozen coverless skin mags a week, I ended up with an entire cupboard filled with porn.
When it came time to move out of the house my friends and I were renting, I didn’t really want to take the porn with me. But I didn’t really want to throw it out. So I bundled it all up with zip-ties, hid it in the attic crawlspace, and attached a note that said “CONGRATULATIONS! You’ve found the hidden stack of porn! You win… a stack of porn!”
It will forever be a source of conversation and wonder amongst the group of friends I lived with in that house. Is the porn still there? Has any tenant since discovered it? What would their reaction have been? Maybe nobody will discover it for decades.
So I’m not sure how this exactly relates to your conundrum, except that I know that pain of having Too Much Porn. And I know how fun it can be to find ways to get rid of it. Best of luck!