Forgive me

I was chastised by my girlfriend for “not being funny.” She has a point. The internet was built for two things- porn and dicking off at work, and I have been offering neither. I mean, I’m offering porn, but not in a masturbatable way. I’m offering the potential for lots of porn, but not the immediate reality of it. All I have left is my charm and wit and my hyperbolic good looks, which I’m not showing to you due to the aforementioned “porn guy” thing.
I’m sorry.

I look forward to the pictures of the trades, though- me and you, hunched over in our trenchcoats, black bars over our eyes, maybe meeting on a seedy corner in the Tenderloin. Maybe in the drizzly fog. You’ll wonder if I’m an ugly old father-raper type, and I’ll be amazed at your faith in your love of porn. We won’t shake hands.

Awesome. Like a spy movie, but in the sweaty adult arcade section.

I’m looking forward to the next leg of the trade more than this one. If I get, for instance, a shotgun (hint: I’m accepting shotguns in trade), I think I’ll get more emails from less furtive people. I’m betting that the social stigma attached to a shotgun that may-or-may not have been used in a drive-by shooting is less than a bunch of still-packaged, brightly colored DVDs of pretty girls who need to wash their faces fast before their mouths get pregnant.

Speaking of girls, I’ve gotten a surprising number of girls who want this stuff. For instance, Jen offered me:

1) A boxing nun & 2) The original Nun-Chuck
(see attached pics for each)I don't have the packaging
for either, but I have all of the parts, pieces, etc. 

It seems appropriate to trade porn for nuns, don't you
think? And, whether you accept my offer or not, I do
believe the pile of naked, freaky goodness should goto a female. (Like me  

Unfortunately, I already have a Nun-chuck (and it’s still in the packaging, because I still haven’t figured out what the correct thing to chuck a nun at is). Jen’s comment about getting the porn to a woman is one I’ve heard a few times now. I don’t know if they actualy want it for diabolical girl-reasons, or if they’re simply scared that it’ll go off in some guy’s hand, but I’m interested. What makes girls want porn? And why haven’t they been the ones to offer me oral?

The Dark Side of One Red Paperclip

After reading about TMPP on SFist, Kyle MacDonald emailed me. “Put your email address at the top of your blog in BIG BOLD LETTERS, or add a contact section.” Done. Well, I tacked on a contact section, anyway. I don’t really know how to permanently tack my contact info onto WordPress. I’m not the most tech-saavy of cats. Anyone who can help me make this site look more barterable gets to take part in the first free round of drinks at Ye Olde Paperclip when Ye Olde Paperclip becomes a reality.
I tried a little, though- I changed the template to something that I felt went a little bit better with the feel of the blog. I hope the giant font works for you.

I’ve been offered a huge stack of MAD magazines from the 1970’s. Interesting. Keep the offers coming! I’m really nervous about the first trade, and I want to be able to offer something as off-kilter as the porn, like a knife collection or a priest outfit.
I wonder how long it’ll take to get picked up by a for-reals news agency? I bet the offers get crazy then.

Booze, Crackheads, and Thankyouverymuch

Here’s the offers I’ve received since two days ago-

• -Money. From “One dollar,” to “Five dollars each for some of them,” money has been a pretty common theme. A quick reiteration, though: no money. Oh- and One Dollar Guy? You’re a douche.
• -Wine. However, upon reciept of photos of the win, it turns out that what was being offered was actually Amarula, a tasty cream liquor that is flavored with some African fruit; Remy Red, which I don’t know what it is; and a Reisling. This is currently in the lead as it involves drinking (read: sinning), and therefore bars. A picture:

That Remy looks hangoverriffic!

• -Electronics equipment that a) isn’t fun and b) I don’t know what it is.
• -Irish cereal and crisps.
• -An unused five blade Hunter Vista Ceiling Fan with reversible blades in either painted white or natural blonde wood finish.
• -A Nikon coolpix 700 Digital camera w/8mb & 128mb flash card, cables, software, and carrying case.
• -An antique Singer style-mate #347 sewing machine and fold-out work station-table.
• -A Fossil Blue Diving Wrist Watch w/matching stainless steel wrist band.
• -A Watorford Crystal Boutique Shaving Razor.
• -A Bissell ‘Little Green Machine’ portable upholstery steamer.
• -An authentic Original Green Lava Lamp from the early 70’s.
• -More Cheese.
• -Karma- this is pretty common, actually. While I love the idea that life is a game of points, I can’t really imagine how I would trade up with karma.
• -Unspecified books.
• -A weight gym, and,
• -A mountain bike.

I still haven’t decided on anything, although like I said, the booze is prolly in the lead.

A quick set of that you’s to the people that have been linking to me- fleshbot, fark, uniquedaily, cruel, frycookonvenus, and thesunmachine. Also, it turns out that my neighbor started a blog the same day I did: 16thandMission. He’s filming the junkies and crackheads at the pee-smellingest BART stop in the city with a digital camera jammed into an empty sugar box. Good fun. Like Dave Chappell if Dave was more fascinating, less funny, and being inexpertly filmed at waist level from inside a box of sugar. Fucking rad, yo.

I’m kind of nervous about my first trade. I figure it has to be something hyperdope to keep everyone’s attention the same way that 120 porn DVDs have. What do you think that weighs? I don’t have a scale… But just in case everyone forgot to keep their eyes on the prize, here’s another picture. This is what it all looks like when organized into two grocery bags.

The True Meaning of Please Take My Porn… Revealed!

This is insane.

I’ve only made two posts, but I’ve been getting over 600 hits per day- and a radio show wants to interview me! I wasn’t expecting this at all.

I’ve been getting a lot of questions, and, weirdly, suggestions, so it looks like I’m going to have to start having a clear vision about what I’m doing. So here’s The Official TMPP FAQ (thus far)-

Q: Are you going to be trading up, a la One Red Paperclip?
A: I wasn’t, but after pondering this question for the entirety of my morning commute, I decided that I actually was. Why not? I need a hobby and this could be fun. However, since trade one is a huge stack of porn, I decided to make the entirety of the blog about vice. So if, for instance, you want to trade me cheese, it has to somehow be sinful cheese. The end goal of these trades will be a bar. I want a fully-stocked, licensed bar. This blog will become the satanic analog to One Red Paperclip.

Q: Really? You think you’re gonna get a bar?
A: I doubt it. However, it can’t hurt to try, right?

Q: Is this porn used?
A: Nope. Most of it is still in the original wrap. About 20 of them are unwrapped, but it doesn’t seem used. And my old roommate tended to throw the films away after he reviewed them.

Q: What’d your old roommate do to get all that porn?
A: He wrote for a well-known online porn review site. He got ginormous packages every other day from all over the place. He probably still does.

Q: Are you pissed at him? Is that why you’re getting rid of his stuff?
A: No. He was aiight. And he seriously couldn’t care less.
Q: Would you be interested in something perishable in exchange for all of that porn?
A: Not really. The postal service is a bit iffy about getting (for instance) cheese delivered in time to have it not be completely disgusting.

Q: Would you accept oral sex?
A: No. Well, yes- but not in exchange for the porn, and probably not from you. Especially not now, because trading up would be even grosser than accepting your creepy, unhygienic offer.

Q: Who are you/do you want to trade pictures/personal info/etc.
A: Sorry. As I’ve said before, I’m uncomfortable being “The Porn Guy,” at least in real life. I’m open to pseudonym suggestions. Something French, maybe?

Q: How will the trades go down?
A: If you’re reasonably close, then it’ll go down in person. Keep in mind that I have a 9-to-5, and I’m not about to trek off to Alabama for a selection of cheeses. That said, I’m willing to use a neutral third party for mailing arrangements.

If you have any other questions, feel free to email me! And keep making offers! I’ll post more of them soon! And to the guy that said I could have his girlfriend, I damand a picture first- but probaly not unless I can trade her up and she’s cool like that.

Day One

Since last night I’ve been offered

• a fishtank
• a handjob
• a quote from Caddyshack
• a book full of burned Netflix DVDs
• some internetual gaming stuff
• nothing
• money (really, they’re not for sale)
• 2 dozen golf balls with my face and/or name printed on them
• a Virgin Mobile ™ phone
• and posters

…from different people, though- not from one generous packrat. While none of this really butters my biscuit, I wasn’t particularly clear about my biscuit’s choice of spreads, so it’s really my own fault for being so vague. However, I’m going to let my vague sense of simply wanting something stand, and see what happens.

Meantime, let me be clear on a couple of points- they’re not for sale for money. No quiero dinero. I’m sure there’s laws about selling porn that I couldn’t begin to know (or care) about, and I’m not about to violate any of them by dealing in skin. Also, having both my hands (I stupidly forgot to mention that my limbs are all in place), I don’t need a handjob, thanks. The final point is that this is one big trade. I can’t split them up because I don’t feel like having strangers picking and choosing porn. This is 120 porn films, an insta-library that covers a surprising spectrum of the seven deadly sins.

However, I somehow magically made the WordPress Blogs of the Day list. I’m not sure how that happened, or if it means anything, but I like lists. They make me feel validated.

Keep making me offers! I’ll put up the more interesting offers as they come up. And really, don’t be scared to comment.

Heart, TMPP

The True Value of Nekkid People

I hate porn.

I hate porn on a personal level. No, I wasn’t ever in porn. No, my mother wasn’t in porn (she probably wasn’t. I never asked). No, I wasn’t ever beaten with porn as a child.

My problem with porn is that it takes up so much goddamn space. And I can’t give it away. and I can’t, in good conscience, throw it away. Let’s use bullet points:

• I have a lot of porn at my house. This guy who used to live here was in some way peripherally involved in the porn industry. and he left, and when he left he decided to not take all the freebies that he got in the mail every goddamn day (thank god he changed his address). So it’s here, mostly still unwrapped. I put it in grocery bags because I didn’t know what to do with it, and I couldn’t show the room to potential roommates if it was piled everywhere. Do you know how much space is worth in San Francisco? Oodles. And this crap isn’t paying rent.
• Sure, I gave some away to friends that asked for it, but everyone has ingrained issues, and if I keep pushing it on people I would rapidly become “The Porn Guy”. Not this kid, but thanks. I’m slowly growing kind of embarrassed about having this much porn in the house. It’s like crack- sure, a rock or two sitting around is acceptable- expected, even- but a half-pound bag of crack? You, sir, have a problem.
• I can’t throw it away because I was raised to be frugal- and I know that it’s all worth something. At least if I was giving it away there’d be a sense of gift-giving, and while I can only imagine the garbage man getting down on his knees and thanking the Lord in heaven, it just wouldn’t be the same. And I don’t want to sell it because of, again, the “porn guy” thing.

So it’s just chillin’ in my house. I’d like to trade it away.

I’m going to try to use Web 2.0 science to get rid of them. One-hundred and twenty (120) porno films. Make me an offer. Whoever makes the best offer by the end of August gets all of them. Right now, I don’t really want anything (although I’m not selling them). They’re all hetero, by places like Red Light District, Platinum x (those two places seem to be the lion’s share), Hustler, Kick Ass, PinkVisual, and other places. I recognize Hustler because of the Woody Harrelson flick, and they all promise the same high-level of class. Let’s answer, once and for all, the true value of 120 pornographic DVDs. A burger? An old typewriter? A red paperclip? I mean, look at this- if I stack it all into two piles, it goes up to my countertop! That’s bigger than Jesus! That’s bigger than N’Sync!

If anyone’s interested, the comments page is open, or you can email me: takemypornplease@yahoo.com. I’ll ship anywhere in the country, and I’ll pay for shipping if you’ll do the same in return.